Viper's Gender: A Study
by Yami Dragoness of Dark
Summary: The scientist Verde has taken upon himself to solve the age old riddle of Viper's gender. Sadly, it doesn't go so well. Arcobaleno Shenanigans! Bel/Mammon at the end. Beware of falling stupidity.


Yami: Now I know what you all are thinking. OMG Yami what are you doing here? Go do your homework! HJGDJFHJDDSKSDAHIDUUFE

Dark: O_O

Kenshin: OoO

Yami: Fear not! I wrote this in my spare time! I am too intelligent to write when I should be doing my homework.

Kenshin: Yami-dono...you still have a book to read, and a article to read.

Yami: eeeeer...CONTINUING! Someone asked me to write more Arcobaleno stories...so here is another one.

Title: Viper's Gender: A Study

Summary: The scientist Verde has taken upon himself to solve the age old riddle of Viper's gender. Sadly, it doesn't go so well. Arcobaleno Shenanigans!

Pairings: Bel/Mammon at the end.

Rating: T because Verde has a dirty mental mouth.

Genre: Humor and Family

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Akira-san!! We praise you!

Warnings: Verde proving that even the smartest man alive can be really stupid!

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**Viper's Gender: A Study**

Verde was a scientist. Everything he did had a purpose. Ultimately it went towards his goals of answering some obscure question. But this time, it wasn't an obscure question that only affected him. It affected all of the Arcobalenos. Perhaps changing their internal structure forever.

Viper paused and looked up. "What are you looking at? I'll start charging you a viewing fee if you don't stop looking."

Was Viper male or female?

Verde looked back down at his papers, which were, for once, not covered in complicated equations. Instead there were two lists, writing in Latin incase anyone took a peek. Male and female were written at the top and under them lists. Under male was: greedy, flat-chest, no curves, always PMS. Written under female was: high voice, love of sweets, only of medium height, magicians/ psychics tend to be female. Neither list was very conclusive. Females could be greedy too. And Viper may just be a low a-cup. And there were plenty of females without acceptable, or noticeable curves.

Physically, there was no proof. Viper's outfit made sure of that. Long, loose, and black. It completely hides everything about the second youngest member. And height was irrelevant, especially nowadays when you could count 2/5 men to be short.

Personality wise, greedy could be for either gender. And even the voice was inconclusive; woman could have a low voice and males a high voice. Skull loved sweets, Reborn hated them. Luche adored sweets, and Lal disliked most of them. And some women, Lal, PMS-ed all the time.

More conclusive evidence was required.

And so began Verde's experiment and slight obsession.

Attempt 1: Room decorations.

Going from pure science, with its uncaring numbers and equations, to the field of psychology, was slightly difficult for Verde. But he wasn't a genius for nothing. So after reading through several books –in one day –he began his psychological experiment.

Getting into Viper's room while the owner was out was relevantly easy. As a child, Verde had learned to pick locks when his mother had taken away his things and told him to go out and play with his siblings. Yeah…fuck that. He was smarter than those idiots, and they hated him anyways, no need to play with them. Once inside, he looked around.

The room was painted white with indigo drapes hung along the walls and on the ceiling. Indigo, a very gender neutral color, was Viper's favorite color as it was the color of his/her hair, flame, and most assumed his/her eyes. The bed was queen sized, with black sheets. There were books everywhere, a safe, a few chairs, and a couch…all gender neutral.

Verde scowled and looked through the books. Economic books, a few novels written in a foreign dialect, historical novels mostly. There was one on meditation, a few on controlling psychic powers, and a good few horror books. Explains how Viper is never grossed out by the gory murder scenes they come upon every now and then.

All in all, the room was inconclusive. The closet contained a lot of copies of Viper's robes and hood, but for the life of him, he couldn't find a dresser or even boxes containing under garments or other clothes. Annoyed, he left.

Attempt 1: Inconclusive.

Attempt 2: Television preferences

Males and female have different TV preferences. Females tend to watch ones that involve emotion, romance, and cute things. In short: soap opera. Men watch ones that are classified as stupid, pointless, violent, gory, and crime ones. They love war stories.

So the question is…what does Viper watch?

"I am fine!" Viper exclaimed as Fon and Reborn helped him/her into the living room while Luche followed at a much slower pace, carrying a first-aid kit. She was due in the next three months, and was currently quite, not to be mean, huge. And mothering. "It's a sprain at most! I can float everywhere!"

"Hush Viper," ordered Luche, pulling off the illusionist's boot and sock and rolling up the pant leg till the ankle was visible. It was swollen, black and blue. When Luche touched it, Viper yelped. "It's a bad sprain, keep off it, okay sweetie." She wrapped it up in an Ace bandage, and told Skull to get an ice pack. Viper ended up stuck on the couch, the swollen foot propped up on a pillow. "Viper gets the remote tonight."

There were several groans. Verde just smirked. It was almost too easy to have made the mist guardian trip. Cruel you say? Well so is making everyone go crazy while trying to figure out whether you're male or female.

Viper smirked as he/she flipped through all the channels, sometimes stopping on a show, giving people hope, only to move on. Finally, he/she stopped on some obscure channel in the fifties and chuckled darkly. Verde silently swore. "You and your horror movies," sighed Lal, pulling out a book.

Rose Red…why Rose Red!? Couldn't he/she have chosen something gender specific? Verde glared at the screen before plotting out his next attempt.

Attempt 2: Inconclusive.

Attempt 3: Household skills

In the Arcobaleno household, there are chores to do, and people to do them. The guys _had_ to do the yard work, and all the heavy work. Mainly they took it upon themselves because the only other people to do them is Lal, who would do it but the guys are being 'chivalrous', Viper, who just made everything float and made a general mess of the yard, and Luche, who was pregnant. Enough said there.

Luche still cleaned up the place, dusting and such. Both her and Lal cooked the food, and Viper did the dishes. Lal also did the heavy work inside the house that the men deemed acceptable. Sexist you say? Perhaps, but we're talking about gentlemen here…well at least Fon is…Reborn and Skull were questionable and Verde just hated listening to the others rag on him. Viper cleaned the high up places that Luche couldn't get to, and the laundry.

With Viper's ankle out of commission, Verde offered to do the laundry in exchange for not having to do the weeding, which he hated with a passion. Deal accepted. Now, this was the perfect opportunity to find out if Viper was male or female. The pajamas and undergarments would tell the tale that the person wouldn't!

But when Verde went down to the second basement to do the laundry, he found six baskets…not seven. And the missing one was, without a doubt, Viper's.

"I can still do things myself," Viper said when he inquired where the illusionist's laundry was. "But since you've so kindly offered to do my work for me, why would I say no?"

"So you'll do your own laundry…but not the others'?"

"Exactly, now move out of the way, I can't see the TV."

Part 1: fail.

Part 2: cooking.

Every day, someone different helped Luche cook dinner. There were seven of them, and therefore seven people to do the cooking, one a day. However, Luche loved cooking too much to give up the job, and so just told people to help her. Thursday was Viper's day to help cook. Usually, when a male cooks, he cooks hearty foods, meats, with carbs, and maybe some vegetables. Females cook healthier and more rounded meals. Luche always made sure some good food made it to the table, but otherwise left what was to be cooked up to the assistant chef.

Verde waited anxiously for the call to dinner. When it finally came, he rushed up the stairs from his basement lab, and looked at what was on the table. He wanted to bang his head against the wall. Pork chops, grilled salmon, rice, string beans, and baked potatoes. A healthy, and hearty dinner indeed. Verde began to wonder if he'd ever find out Viper's gender.

Part 2: failed!

Attempt 3: Inconclusive

Attempt 4:

Verde looked at his notes, wondering what his next attempt should be. Obviously nothing short of either asking or peeking on the second youngest in the bath would give him the answer he sought. It really shouldn't be this hard! How can someone be so…so gender neutral!? It wasn't possible according to the books he'd read. There should be tell-tale signs. Where were they?

"Hey Fon...what gender do you think Viper is?"

Fon looked up from his tea to stare at the scientist. Fon was the safest person to ask. Lal and Luche might laugh or hit him. Reborn and Skull would laugh themselves into an early grave. Fon was calm, collected, wise, the only person Verde considered even close to his own intellectual level. But still very far below him.

With a hum, Fon closed his eyes and thought. After nearly ten minutes he replied, without opening his eyes. "I do not know." He took a sip of tea. "Why not ask?"

"Because then I'll have to pay money, and I don't want to."

"Very true…well…just wait, I'm sure the answer will present itself."

But the answer didn't present itself. Even when Verde walked into the bathroom and Viper was taking a bath –complete coincidence I assure you –Viper threw up illusions before he could even catch a glimpse. The insults and yells he suffered for that mistake ensured he'd never do it again, purposefully or not.

Time passed. They were turned into babies. Still no answer. They all parted ways. Viper became Mammon and joined the Varia. A very male like thing to do, and everyone called Viper a male now, but Verde wasn't so sure. The years passed, the curse was broken. Still the answer eluded him. Until one day…

"Why am I here again?" Verde inquired, tugging at the very tight bowtie he was forced to wear. Luche was an evil woman when she wanted to be. She had dragged all of them to a hospital in Italy, interrupting a very valuable experiment! The others looked just as confused, Skull and Fon worried, Lal and Colonnello curious. Reborn looked bored. Luche was talking to her daughter and granddaughter with a smile on her face. The only one missing was Viper, and he/her had been MIA in the mafia world for the past few months.

"Here we are," Luche whispered excitedly. She pushed the door opened and stuck her head inside. "Hi Viper, we've all come to see you."

A tired, familiar voice answered. "I said not to."

"We brought cake and presents."

"…come in."

They entered. Verde stopped dead, the scene before him too unbelievable to…well…believe! Viper was sitting on a hospital bed, propped up by pillows. The usual hood and cloak were missing, replaced with a white hospital gown. Indigo hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and there were shadows under Viper's eyes. Indigo, as they all had guess. But the most important thing he noticed…well two things. A) breasts. B) Baby!

Viper smirked. "Happy to finally learn my gender?"

He scowled. "You knew all along didn't you?"

"Of course, you might be the smartest man alive in term of IQ and intelligence, but you're pretty stupid otherwise." The man sitting next to her, a blonde man whose eyes were hidden under a mess of hair, snickered.

"I hate you."

Lal slapped him upside the head and smiled at Viper. "So what's the baby's name?" The baby in question had mint green hair, and was currently sleeping contently wrapped in a black blanket with the Varia insignia on it.

"Fran."

* * *

Yami: OH! OOOOOH! Didn't see that coming didja!? It is my firm belief that Viper is female, and it shall be revealed to us when in the fixed TYL Viper/Mammon has a child with Bel...it won't be Fran but it was still funny as hell :D

On another account, this is the general order of their ages in my head from youngest to oldest: Skull, Viper, Colonnello, Lal, Reborn, Fon, Luche, and Verde, though Luche, Reborn, and Fon are interchangable with each other.

LUCHE IS ALIVE BECAUSE I LOVE HER! FUCK OFF! Luche is one of my FAVORITE characters. She is just awesome. So she isn't allowed to die...at least not in happy stories. Angst maybe, not happ happy joy joy stories...

Dark/Kenshin: R&R!!!

Yami: Who shall I do next? Viper? Lal? Colonnello? Reborn? Luche? Fon? HA! I have evil ideas for all of them! FEAR ME!!!


End file.
